


Dark Side Of The Moon

by Crizz



Series: ChangminHo Short Stories Collection [2]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorders, M/M, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-20 13:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3651339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crizz/pseuds/Crizz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>- Inspired by a request in Homin Kink Fest 2 (chubby!Yunho)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Falling faster, time goes by,  
> Fear is not seen through these eyes  
> What there was will never be,  
> Now I’m blind and cannot see..

 

 

_’HOMG! What happened to Yunho-ya?? He’s so fat now TT.TT. Yunby, please give all the food to Changmin from now on, ok~’_

 

_‘KYAAAHH!! Yunnie’s chipmunk cheeks are so squishable!  I bet they’re soft like mantou.. I wanna pinch them til they’re all red ^^.. Changmin-ah~ you’re HOT as usual!! XD’_

 

_‘Omo.. I used to love Yunho-oppa. But he became chubby so Changmin-oppa, SARANGHAE!! XD’_

 

_‘Yunho’s not fat, he’s HEALTHY.. plus he looks bigger coz he’s standing next to Changmin (who has body like Greek God!!XD)’_

 

_‘MWO?! I heard that Changmin-oppa and Yunho-oppa were caught kissing! Jinjja?! ANI!! ANDWAE!! Changmin-oppa, even if you want to like guys, can’t you choose someone that suits you?? Yunho-oppa looks like a barrel next to uri perfect Changmin-oppa! TT.TT’_

 

_‘That was just a rumor, fellow Cassie.. lol.. I imagined Changmin WOULD have better taste than that :p’_

 

_‘Haha.. looking a little too pudgy there, Yunho-sshi.. A bit too much on those midnight snacks, eh? Haha..’_

 

_‘Yunho-ya~ I miss your Mirotic lean looks!! TT.TT’_

 

_‘Oohh.. I’m jealous Yunho. You have bigger breasts than I do..lol’_

 

_‘Squirrel cheeks! Is Yunho storing nuts for Winter? kekeke’_

 

Yunho keeps on reading recent comments on one of TVXQ websites.

 

The more he reads more self-conscious he becomes until by the time he finished just a single page, he was hunching over himself as if to hide from those hurtful comments. He was horrified but just couldn’t stop – each words cutting a little deeper, each comment like a knife in his back.

 

Biting his lips nervously (a habit he developed after all the stress of past years being TVXQ leader), he looked down on himself, trying to see what those fans saw.

 

But instead of being reassured by the same figure he’d been looking at for 25 years, he saw fat. He saw mounds and mounds of thick, pale, unnecessary fat, and he was repulsed at himself.

 

He remembers how lots of people keep on praising his Mirotic era body.. But to go back to that time…

 

Yunho can’t forget how hard it was.. How he practically starved himself every single day  _just_  to keep up with the rest of the members weight, how the gym practically became his first home aside from the studio, how he lay tossed and turned at night – unable to fell asleep due to the feeling of terrible hunger in his stomach, how dizzy and tired he always was and how his pulse and blood pressure fluctuate trying to keep him from collapsing. How his hands kept shaking with nervous energy.. He was quite surprised that no one had accused him of doing drugs at the time.

 

Unlike Changmin who can inhale the whole table and still looks like a GQ supermodel, there’s just something in Yunho’s gene that make him gain at least 5 kilos on just a single bite of chocolate.

 

Sometimes, he could really hate his crush the maknae for his luck: Changmin is gorgeous without even trying. Heck, even when he’s being snarky and mean people adores him..

 

Shim Changmin, turning mere mortals into closeted masochist since 1988 =.=;;;.

 

Forget about confessing his love crush to the younger man; when he looks as disgusting as he is currently, how on earth could he even  _imagine_  that he is even worthy to stand next to the maknae on stage. Especially there are only two of them now.. the vast difference of their looks would be amplified!

 

The thought of shaming Changmin hurts more than the dreaded anticipation that he has to go through all the torture he had during Mirotic era once again.

 

He vowed to never let Changmin down.. he’ll do anything to make sure of that.

 

He is **Jung Yunho**.

 

He’ll get through this.

He’ll make sure to get rid of all that fat and make Changmin proud of him and to never have any reason to be ashamed of him.

 

…. Even if it kills him.

 

 

_TBC??_

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing valued think no fear,  
> Always wondering why you’re here  
> All your purposes are gone,  
> Nothing’s right and nothing’s wrong  
> Nothing ventured, nothing gained  
> Feel no sorrow, feel no pain

 

 

155 pounds.

 

 _Shit_.

 

Yunho cursed when he saw the scale.

 

He was around 176 when he start his dieting and had been steadily losing weight as he exercise more and eats less.

But now it seems like he’s stuck at 156/155 and he just can’t shake it off.

 

"Hyung! Kyu and Ryeowook are going out for a bite and I’m joining them. Wanna come with?"

 

Yunho jumped at the knock on the bathroom door.

 

"Uh, that’s okay. You guys go ahead.. I’m tired."

He called out to Changmin.

 

"Are you staying for the night? You know where’s the extra blanket and pillows are~"

 

"Uh no.. I’m heading home after this. I’ll be out in just a minute.."

 

"That’s alright. You have the key anyway. Don’t forget to lock up before you leave.. See you at practice tomorrow, hyung!"

 

"Ah, ne.."

 

Pressing his ear to the door, he waits until the sound of the front door slammed shut with baited breath. After few minutes of silence, he exhaled in relief and step back to stand in front of the mirror once again.

 

He pinched his cheeks (the  _fuck?!_  he hardly eats anything and they get rounder?!) and try to gouged how much fat he still needs to lose. He worked his way down to his arms and pecs and abs and finally his ass. His thighs should be okay though, right? After all he’s been dancing extra hard these da…

 

Well  **fuck**.

Yunho sighed in frustration as he still managed to pinch his thighs - showing there are still  _too_  much flabbiness and not enough firm muscle.

 

The pounding pain in between his eyebrows hinted at upcoming migraine.

Yunho shook his head and decided to go back to his own house so he could review what went wrong with his diet and perhaps plan on what to do next.

 

 

******************************************.**

 

‘ _Lose 60 pounds in a month!_ ’

 

The label on the bottle mocks Yunho - with its little cartoonish illustration of chubby fats being stuck with what looks like a mean hedgehog to be disposed of.

 

He can’t believe he actually been brought down to this level.

Sneaking around the pharmacy to buy diet pills after overhearing some of the girls around the studio gushing about the new slimming pills..

 

God~ if only these pills would do exactly as it advertised.. Maybe not 60 pounds but even if he could go down another 20 pounds, it’ll be good. Surely he looks better at 135 pounds than he is now.

 

Starving himself and exercising to the point of near-collapsing just doesn’t cut it anymore. He needs something more aggressive.. more  _drastic_  with faster result.

 

Despite what  ~~Changmin~~  anyone else thinks, Yunho is smarter than he looks.

 

He knows that if Changmin found out he’s been taking over the counter diet pills, the younger man would call him an idiot.

Maybe he would think how weak Yunho is and lose respect  ~~and will finally leave him and laugh behind his back with his precious Kyuline.~~

 

  
Well, he’s not being fair, Yunho knows Changmin would never be that mean..

But he will  _definitely_  call Yunho an idiot..

Nevermind the fact that Yunho is doing this partly for Changmin’s benefits too.

 

See~ Changmin could never understand.. He’s always been so **perfect**.

He doesn’t see that not everyone could be as beautiful and popular as he is without lifting a finger.

 

Some people has to work and sacrifice  _everything_  just to be accepted.

 

And that’s why Changmin should..  _would_  never know about this.

He doesn’t need to know how the leader struggling _just_ to keep it together.. to make himself worthy to still be part of TVXQ.

 

Plus, it’s not as if he would be taking these pills forever.

 

Just until he gets past this stubborn 155 pound mark.

 

Then he’ll be able to stop.

 

 

_Really…_

 

 

 

 

 

 

_~TBC~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- You know what’s ironic? I’m drinking my own Trimshake when I’m typing this.. I didn’t have breakfast, I didn’t take lunch and I think I have to forgo dinner. Why? Because fact is: to the world, being thin IS beautiful. And I want to feel beautiful for once.


	3. Chapter 3

 

**YUNHO’s DIARY**

**6/10/20_ _**

 

 

_Dear Diary~,_

 

_Changmin mentioned something about my new diet today._

 

_We just finished another practice for the TONE tour preparation. Since everyone were eager to wrapped up early that day, all of us forgo dinner (or in my case lunch as well as breakfast - oh stop fussing! I did have a couple of energy bars~) and decided to have late supper afterward._

_Instead of joining the rest of the staff, Changmin suggested that both of us go somewhere else for our meal._

_omgomgomgomgomgomg!! (Can you tell how happy I was~?? XD)_

 

_I know.. I know.. after spending the whole day with our crew, he probably tired of seeing them already and that was the real reason he doesn’t want to join them.._

_**NOT**  because he wants to be alone with me.._

 

_B_ _ut still~ I was so excited.. And who cares if in my mind we were on a date? I wasn’t harming anyone.. Changmin would never know anyway._

 

_Anyway we ended up at Gombawui (apparently Changmin was in the mood to have gop-chang and galbi) and as we entered the restaurant, my mouth literally watered at the smell of grilled meat and ribs (can we gained weight from smell only? God, I hope not..)._

_Changmin ordered like 2 huge plates of every possible meat dish there is that even the waiter was gawking in awe at him. When it was my turn, I kept it simple: just a small bowl of kimchi soup - clear and no side dishes needed, thank you. This time BOTH Changmin and the waiter is looking skeptically at me… Changmin didn’t say anything though and we both just chatting away normally._

 

_When our order arrived however, Changmin frowned at my small bowl._

_"Is that all you’re having?"_

_He asked._

 

_I told him that I wasn’t feeling very hungry (technically, it wasn’t a lie.. I’m sure I wasn’t SUPPOSED to feel hungry. I had like TWO energy bars today, remember?  Mind over matter~ I just need to focus on that.)._

_Thank God that the restaurant was quite noisy so the sound of my (stupid) growling tummy wasn’t heard._

 

_THEN he went on how different people has different body types and different metabolism._

_And how some may looked chunkier than others but that doesn’t mean it was all bad.._

_How our Mirotic looks - while hot, not necessarily was healthy.. etc.._

 

_I gotta say that I was freakin’ out (on the inside) by then and kinda tuned him out at the end._

 

_Had he noticed my weight gain??_

_I mean, I was trying **real**  hard here.. _

 

_I shouldn’t have gone out with him tonight~ Now I’m making my bestest friend worried._

 

_Changmin-ah~ Hyung is so sorry for being like this._

_Hyung promise hyung would work harder so as not to shame you, okay?_

 

_I calmed down and just laughed and told him I have no idea what he was talking about and ‘hey, look.. your grilled ribs browning so nicely. Did you practice your grilling skill when I wasn’t around, you rascal?’_

_(yeah.. yeah.. I know. AWKWARD~! Hey,  I really am a rubbish actor. Just ask anyone who’ve watched my drama~)._

 

_Changmin looked at me like I was crazy (and could you blame him??) so I changed the topic with the one thing I know will grab his attention._

_I asked about his beloved Kyuline (but Diary-ah, I know it’s bad of me but I can’t help but feel jealous when my Changmin’s face all brightened up - more so than he ever looks like when he talks about **me** , I’m sure - when he talks about his other friends (or more??))~_

 

_I gotta admit though that it was hard not to drool when I was watching him devouring all those delicious, greasy, sizzling grilled meats while I was sipping on my soup slowly as to make it lasts.._

 

_It’s okay though Diary-ah~_

_This will be all worth it at the end right?_

 

_When I could be proud of myself again._

_When no one can make fun of my weight and my looks._

 

_This will all be worth it._

 

_Love;_

_Yunho_

*******************************************************************************

**  
**Yunho found out that he quite likes going to the gym late late LATE at night where it would be just him and no one else.

It’s a good thing too that one of his high school friend owns this gym so Yunho got to use it after closing hour and he could blast loud angry rock music without anyone getting on his case.

 

 

He could just concentrate on his exercise and just not think about anything else, such as:

how he’s popping those diet pills like they are candy but with no effect whatsoever (he went down another 8 pounds and **that’s it!** ),

how he hardly eats anything and exercising like his life is depending on it and it doesn’t seem to do him any good at all,

how he’s just so _exhausted_ with life in general…

 

 

They went to one of the variety show the other day (honestly, Yunho forgot its name already - it’s so hard to concentrate on mundane stuff nowadays) and the female MC asked Changmin if it’s hard to keep his amazing model-like figure and if he could share with the viewer on his diet regime.

 

Changmin told her that actually he just do the minimal of exercise, that Yunho is the one that really takes care of himself. 

She laughed and said that it was hard to believe that since Yunho doesn’t look as slim as other celebrities and asked Changmin if he was just playing with her. 

 

Yunho laughed of course (as he always do - feeling like an _idiot_ )

but truthfully all he wanted to do is to just run away from there.

 

 

 _Bitch_.

 

Just because her skinnier-than-skeleton body can eat anything she wants and not gain a single inch, doesn’t give her the right to embarrassed anyone.

Yunho doesn’t need any more attention to his fat body, thank you _very_ much.

 

And her blatant flirting with Changmin is disgusting and very unprofessional! He bet Changmin felt the same as he is

(okay so may~be Yunho is exaggerating a bit here. Changmin didn’t seem to mind the MC’s flirting and when she ran her finger up the maknae’s arm - under the pretense to feel his muscle,

infact, Changmin looked positively ‘ _smirk_ 'y)

 

_It’s okay Yunho.. Keep going.._

 

Lifting weight.

 

_That’s it.. Just up and down. Up and down._

_Dont think ‘bout anyone else._

 

_Let them laugh now.._

 

Leg lifts. Push up. Sit up.

_Let the pain, embarrassment, inadequacy drives you on instead of stopping you._

 

Up, down. Up, down.

_Keep going.. Just like wheels, keep going, Yunho._

 

Faster. Faster.

_You are better than all of them because you have control of yourself._

 

400 jumping jacks, 6 miles on uphill treadmill and 350 of push-ups later, Yunho finally stopped – so weak that he collapsed right next to the weight bench.

Dragging himself to sit upright, Yunho leaned back against the bench, looked up to the bright _bright_ light above.

And  **laugh**.

 

And laugh.

 

And laugh.

 

And if anyone bothered to ask him later,

Even he doesn't know when the laughter turned to sobbing.

 

 

_~TBC~_

 

 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- All the self-depreciation craps Yunho thinks about himself in this fic are in NO WAY AT ALL reflects my own opinions of him (Jung Yunho is my baby boo and an innocent angel and he's my moonbeam and sunlight and everything wonderful in between)
> 
> \- Changmin kinda aware something is wrong with Yunho but doesn't know how serious it is.
> 
> \- Oh, Yunho.. (｡•́︿•̀｡)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiss me while I’m still alive  
> Kill me while I kiss the sky  
> Let me die on my own terms,  
> Let me live and let me learn  
> Now I’ll follow my own way,  
> And I’ll live on to another damn day  
> Freedom carries sacrifice,  
> Remember when this was my life

"Night-night Changmin-ah~"

Yunho called out happily.

 

"G’night hyung."

Came the slurred reply as Changmin stumbles across the suite to go to his own bedroom.

 

Sighing wistfully, Yunho goes into his own bedroom - though wishing he could go with the younger man: undress him, put him to bed, hold him, wipe his forehead as he suffered through his hangover…

 

But he couldn’t.

He was treading a fine line with Changmin as it is, and the slightest misstep could cause him to lose the man as his friend - forever.

 

It had been a good week for them:

Their latest album is at the top of Oricon Chart and even though this is the nth time they achieved the feat, it still feels like the first time for Yunho - the wonders and disbelief (we did it, right? we really did it..), the immense gratitude and humbled feeling (thank you.. thank you for believing in us.. for loving us..).

 

Anyway all the staff decided a celebration was in order and unanimously vouched to go to one of the higher end restaurant in Tokyo for dinner.

 

With everyone being so cheerful and upbeat, Yunho decided that _just_ for tonight he could splurge a little bit on dinner and ate a whole small bowl of clear mushroom soup with couple spoonfuls of rice. He even had a half cup of strawberry pudding.

There were more calories in that little meal than he had all week, but he figured he could work it off later.

 

For the first time in a **long** while his stomach felt pleasantly full, and he started dozing off on the bed.

 

Shaking himself alert once more, Yunho jumped up before he could fall asleep in his clothes.

He changed into his comfy nightshirt (with cute Bambi prints all over it) and brushed his teeth before hopping up on his portable scale.

 

After losing 8 pounds last time, he had been consistently stuck at 147 pounds and discouraged by his slow progress, Yunho had been avoiding weighing himself the past couple of days.

He figured he’d wait until he was sure to see some results before measuring himself again.

 

He watched silently as the number on the scale climbs higher… and higher

..and hig..

 

150 pounds

 

… Wait,  _what?!_

 

Yunho looked at the scale in disbelief

How the fuck he  _gained_ three fucking pounds?!

 

Everyday he has just one apple and one granola bar to eat (sometimes even less),

he exercises constantly..

 

and he * **gained** * weight?

 

Breaking out in cold sweat and feels like his heart about to just explode in panic, Yunho stepped off the scale and paused for few seconds.

Surely the machine was just malfunctioning.. 

There’s just no way… just  **no** way at all..

 

Holding his breath as if that would make him weigh less, Yunho carefully set one foot on the surface of the scale, watching the numbers jump up. 

Just as slowly, he placed his right foot next to the left foot.

 

**150**

 

Fuck. Fuckfuck _fuck_

Yunho patted himself down quickly, 

hoping that maybe he is wearing something or had something in his pockets that would add three pounds to the weight.

 

Nothing. 

 

He only had on soft cotton nightshirt and he already took off all his accessories. 

Heck, he doesn’t even have any underwear on right now.

 

 _Still_ , desperately he stripped off his clothes and stood naked under the harsh fluorescent lights - his feet shivering from contact with the cold white tile. 

 

 _Maybe_..

He leaned down and turned the scale over, double checking the batteries. 

 

Deciding not to take any chances, he ran back to his bags and grabbed fresh batteries from a side pocket before dashing back to the bathroom and frantically tried to change the batteries - hands were slick with sweat, though, and one new battery went rolling across the slippery tile to end up under the sink. 

He dove after it, hitting his head on the counter and bruising his knees on the slippery surface. His hand stretched out, but he just couldn’t reach it. 

It was too far away.

 

With a frustrated cry, he stood up, grabbed the scale and **hurled** it towards the large mirror above the sink counter top.

 

Heavy panting filled the still air.

 

As if in a trance, Yunho steps over shards of broken glass - barely noticing as their sharp edges cut into the tender skin of his feet.

 

He picks up one of the biggest broken piece and turned it over in his hand seemingly in awe of the way the light ahead glints off the sharp shiny surface.

Yunho looked back up of what’s left of the big mirror and zeroed in on the reflection of his (pudgy) stomach.

 

He could almost see globs of fat underneath the pale creamy skin… just taunting him.

 _Daring_ him

 

He could..

just..

 **dig** them out…. 

 

 _couldn’t_  he? 

 

Still looking at the (disgusting) image in the mirror, he presses the glass gently against the soft creamy flesh.

 

Why not

Why not

 

Why

 _ **Not**_..?

 

He would be fre….

 

“Hey, everything’s fine? I heard.. Holy fuck, what the hell happened here?!”

 

Yunho whirled around - the shard fell out his hand and shattered against the floor.

 

“Changmin-ah…”

He breathed.

“I…”

He touched the sticky warm wetness on his cheek and his fingers came away red-stained.

“I..  _hurt_..”

 

Changmin’s face softened at the lost, almost childlike look on the older man’s face.

This is not the time to grill Yunho for answers - he could do that later, after he checks him over. 

 

“Okay hyung..”

He said gently.

“It’s alright. Just.. wait here for a sec.

No, don’t come over here yet. I don’t want you to cut yourself more..”

 

Changmin went to his room to grab a large fleece blanket he just bought the other day - fascinated by how soft and comfortable the cloth is, and when he came back to the bathroom, Yunho could see the maknae is wearing his running shoes as well.

 

“I’m coming over to you now.. Don’t move.

I’ll have to carry you out of here, okay hyung~?”

 

Yunho didn’t say anything and just let Changmin wrapped the blanket around his naked body and lifted him up in a princess-carry:

honestly if he wasn’t feeling so drained and numb, Yunho thinks he might freaks out more at Changmin seeing his naked (and ugly) body.

 

“I’m heavy..”

He murmured - absently hiding his face against the other’s chest.He felt Changmin holding him tighter before relaxing and thinks should he die here and now, he wouldn’t have any regret at all..

 

“No, you’re not..

You’re actually too light for my liking, hyung..”

 

Yunho smiles wryly.

Ah.. sweet kind Changmin..

_Even if it was a lie, hyung still am thankful for your words.._

Changmin brought Yunho to his room across the suite and deposited the man carefully on the bed. 

After making sure the blanket is safely tucked around Yunho, he went and make a call to room service - saying that they had a little unfortunate accident and requires someone to come and clean up the broken mirror.

 

Few minutes later Changmin came back inside his bedroom to see Yunho is in almost exact position as Changmin left him - holding on tight to the blanket and looking down quietly. 

Without saying anything, Changmin grabbed the mini aid kit from his (Bond) bag and sat on the floor near Yunho’s feet and gently picked up one foot to rests it on his laps.

 

Yunho stares blankly at the top of Changmin’s head as the younger man carefully checks his foot for any embedded glass.

 

“These are mostly just scratches and don’t even need bandages, thank God..

Careful, this might sting a little..”

 

Yunho barely winced at the sting of the antiseptic wipes and even as Changmin examines his face for any injuries and to clean the light scratch on his cheek, Yunho didn’t say anything.

 

After making sure every wounds are cleaned and treated to his satisfaction, Changmin sat back and just…  **looks** at Yunho - an indescribable look on his face.

 

“What?”

Yunho muttered - feeling unnerved at the intense stare from the younger man.

 

“You want to tell me why I found you naked in the bathroom with broken mirror glass all around you in the middle of the night?”

Changmin asked seriously.

 

“Nothing’s wrong with m..”

 

“Stop lying!”

 

Yunho jumped a bit at the shout.

For all his fierce temperament, Changmin rarely.. if ever, raised his voice at Yunho - preferring to scolds Yunho quietly (firm and strict, yes. But always carefully and quietly).

 

"You haven’t been eating, you’re exercising  _all_  the time, you never go out anymore-“ 

He raked his hands through his his hair before dropping his ‘tough guy’ routine. He looked so young. So… helpless

It’s breaking Yunho’s heart..

 

Changmin leans forward and take both of Yunho’s hands in his - holding them ever so gently like they’re the world’s most precious gems.

“ _Please_ hyung.. 

Tell me what’s bothering you..”

 

Yunho looks into those wide pleading eyes and opened his mouth to tell Changmin  _everything:_

 

On how hurt and  _scared_ and  **helpless** Yunho feels right now,

and how  _painfully_ hungry he is that sometimes he feels like something is clawing inside his stomach

and how he lives for the younger man’s smiles and laugh and  **happiness**

and Yunho loves Changmin more than he loves himself 

and….

 

‘ _Do you want him to be disgusted with you?_ ’

 

 and…

 

And he said,

“I’m fine, Changmin.

You don’t have to worry about me..”

 

Changmin’s hands tightened around his and Yunho could see the younger man’s jaw set in tight line. 

He opened his mouth in what Yunho can almost guarantee to shout at him again.

 

Just then the front door buzzed to let them know that the cleaning crew has arrived.

 

Changmin huffed in frustration and stands up.

He stopped on the way out of the room and turned back to Yunho,

“Don’t think that this conversation is over, hyung.”

 

 

 

  


 

 

~ _TBC_ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> \- Again, all the self-depreciation craps Yunho thinks about himself in this fic are in NO WAY AT ALL reflects my own opinions of him. 
> 
> \- To you dieters out there, please do not be too concern about the numbers on your scale, Some go so far as to step on the scale after every meal. This poses a problem, because weight tends to fluctuate, on average, between 2 to 4 pounds throughout the day. The number that you see first thing in the morning may be far from the number you see midday or before your head hits the pillow. However, this doesn’t mean that you’ve actually gained body fat. These numbers don’t reflect your accurate weight or your last meal. 
> 
> \- If you get on the scale after a big meal and see your number go up, it’s simply because your blood volume level has increased due to the large quantity of food that you’ve eaten. The high sodium content in certain prepared foods also causes the body to retain fluid, thus causing a higher number on the scale.
> 
> \- My sincere pray for every single one of you out there:
> 
> Be safe. Be healthy. Be HAPPY :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We carry these things inside us
> 
> that no one else can see
> 
> They hold us down like anchors..
> 
> ..They drown us out at sea

 

**YUNHO’s DIARY**

**02/12/20xx**

 

_Dear Diary,_

 

_I fucked up._

_Since that horrible night (which honestly would never be mentioned again if I have my way~), Changmin has make it his personal mission to follow me around and watching me closer than ever._

_To have the person you secretly in love (so so much) with to keep close to you, must sounds like perfect Heaven, right?_

 

_But.. Don’t get me wrong here.._

_As much as I treasure the extra time spend with him (God knows how long we have left..), it’s... also very tiring.._

_It’s hard enough to be the Yunho that everyone wants to see every time we’re in public:_

_\- The always well-composed Yunho_

_\- The always mature responsible Yunho_

_\- The always perfect son/hyung/sunbae/idol Yunho_

_\- The always friendly kind Yunho_

_\- The always energetic hyper Yunho_

_\- The always ever optimistic Yunho_

 

_I just... don’t have the energy to keep on smiling anymore._

_Changmin-ah~... Hyung truly is sorry.._

 

_But won’t you just leave me to fade away alone..?_

 

 

_\- Yunho._

 

***********************************************************

 

Yunho managed to lose those three extra _fucking_ pounds.

Those and **then** some. 

The other night unfortunate encounter with Changmin spurred him to new heights of determination. 

 

He is _**fine**_.

There’s nothing going on (God, just please.. _please_.. stop looking at me with those judging eyes, Min-ah.. I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry for being useless and stupid..).

Millions of people around the world are on diet, he is just _one_ of them.

 

No big deal.

No problem here.

 

Fuck, he’s so screwed.

 

Even if Changmin had backed down after the confrontation in their hotel room, he was watching Yunho closer than ever. 

 

It doesn’t matter even when Yunho started requesting a room of his own - citing that he needs some privacy (enduring the good natured ribbing from their staff with a wan smile)

When the older man started making up excuses not to go out with the everyone else for dinner, Changmin would take it upon himself to get room service delivered to the other’s room. 

 

It came to a point where Yunho resorted into stealing other peoples' used trays and put them outside his door, making it look like he had a perfectly good meal in the privacy of his hotel room.

 

Not that it fooled Changmin for long.

As he thought up ways to trick Yunho into eating with the guys, whether to prove to himself that he was 'right' that there is something _wrong_ with the TVXQ leader or to tip the others off, Yunho doesn’t know. 

But then they’ll be at dinner and Changmin would order for him, his jokes and smiles making it seem like Yunho really _did_ want the meal. And Yunho had to do _something_ to make it seem like he really was eating. 

 

He ate a couple of bites, moved his food around on the plate to make it look like there was less of it, and even resorted to hiding veggies inside the napkin.

 

It was hard to hard to escape Changmin’s sharp eyes however - so intent was he on watching Yunho that he hardly touched his _own_ food. And his stares and gazes were so pointed and intense that it makes Yunho squirms and nervous and the more agitated he feels, the harder it was for him to act normal in public.

 

Sometimes he wished this is all over. 

 

 **Everything**. 

 

Losing this damn weight, TVXQ, 

 _life_ in general... 

 

He wants it to be finished. 

 

It's just so much _work_...so much pain.

So much frustration and just constant disappointment and failure. 

 

He loves Changmin but he doesn't love him back. 

He tries his best not to make mistakes but he screwed up anyway. 

He starves himself and exercises like there’s no tomorrow and popping diet pills left and right and _still_ looks like an elephant. 

 

The fat still hangs off of him. 

His ass could still be mistaken for the Goodyear Blimp. 

When he lowers his head he still develop double, if not _triple_ chins.

His every photos still need so much touching up that sometimes he doesn’t even recognizes his own pictures when he looks at them in the magazine.

 

If this is the price he has to pay for doing what he loves,

is it really worth it?

 

He remembers he watched a trashy B-grade scary movie once, courtesy of Junsu and Jaejoong (ah~ what simpler innocent time that was..) 

It was about this man... _creature_ that preyed on those he met over the internet. He'd go to chat rooms or message boards or some shit like that and meet new people.

Not just any people.

 

 **Fat** ones.

The fatter, the _better_.

 

He reassured these new _friends_ that he was _'too shy'_ to get many dates, but he doesn’t care about their weight. He loves their personalities, not their appearances. 

So he got them to trust him enough to meet and go out on a blind date. 

 

And the guy was a perfect gentleman all evening...

until he took them home.

 

'Cause that's when he killed his victims. 

He'd hold them down and this weird tentacle would come out of his mouth and he'd like _suck_ on all the fat--or adipose tissue, as the police called it--off of the victim, basically. 

There was hardly anything left over for the police to investigate.

 

They dubbed him the 'fat-sucking vampire’.

 

Yunho wished that movie wasn't fake, that it was real.

Because he would willingly be one of the _vampire’s_ victims.

 

It would probably hurt at first, but it would have to be better than this crushing feeling of _unworthiness_ comes with every breath. 

 

Everywhere he goes he is reminded of how lacking he truly is.

All those ads geared towards thin people, 

all those fans screaming for the idolized image of a person they wouldn't _really_ want to know, 

all those make-up artists hired to make them look like models, 

all those lectures on what to say and how to act and who to talk to and when to smile and where to be seen...

 

He wants it to end.

 

 _Everything_.

 

He just wants it to end..

 

 

  


 

 

 

_~TBC~_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Again, all the self-depreciation craps Yunho thinks about himself in this fic are in NO WAY AT ALL reflects my own opinions of him   
> (Jung Yunho is my baby boo and an innocent angel and he’s my moonbeam and sunlight and everything wonderful in between). 
> 
> -... my baby needs a hug :(
> 
> \- Had our Yunho EVER felt like this before?.. well, maybe not to this extreme.. but yeah, I believe there was a time he felt the pressure.

**Author's Note:**

> \- Not gonna be a happy fic for a while ^^;;  
> \- I do NOT think Yunho is fat/large.. I love to watch him enjoying his food (and I think Changmin feels the same ^^) and honestly he looks healthy and happy. Saying that, I do know that some fans commented that Yunho getting chubbier (I feel like karate-kick all of them haters, jinjja~!)  
> \- I hate Mirotic era coz he looked so skinny..  
> \- Changmin himself said that he doesn't gain weight as easily as Yunho.. I wrote this fic as I understand how frustrated it is to have someone like that close to you.. You'll feel like you will never be good enough to even stand next to them (my friends all look like models! and here I am, looking like the Blimp of the year ;__;).


End file.
